We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
