I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my shit smells like andre
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize