god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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