The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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