I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
