3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
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