my mouth tastes like poor choices
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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