I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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