God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
