i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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