i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize