How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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