Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
