don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
