Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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