Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
