if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
