What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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