we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
