Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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