it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
