She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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