At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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