your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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