I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
