nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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