Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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