NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
