i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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