The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
