im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
