I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You can't special order awesome
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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