I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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