I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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