i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
