tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
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