I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
