The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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