Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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