Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
