rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
that may or may not have been my penis.
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