I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
