Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
