dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize