Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
