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just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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