He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
