But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
