3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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