I faked an abortion last night.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
