I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
