u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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