My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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