Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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