That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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