I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
