Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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