I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
