I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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