Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
