she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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