so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
