I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
