Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
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