Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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